In the original 1986 Transformers Animated Film, Megatron kills Optimus Prime. In the 2007 live action version of the Transformers Movie, Optimus is killed by Michael Bay. What could have been one of the best science fiction movies of all time in the right hands is instead the highest budget bad comedy since Evan Almighty. For those of us who grew up with the original Transformers series, it is true that we probably would have settled for nothing short of Cameron-esque perfection for this film, but it is hard to imagine messing up a premise as wickedly cool and straightforward as huge-ass transforming robots from space. Alas, Michael Bay and company have somehow found a way.
The first indication that my decision to "give it a chance" was a terrible one came when I realized the 50 something year old guy next to me was getting a bigger kick out of the film than I was. This is the same guy that was probably yelling at his kid for watching too much transformers and playing too much "Super Mare-ee-oh" back in the eighties. Transformers is not supposed to appeal to anyone older than 40, but alas this demographic seemed to be eating it up while I was silently crying to myself.
The first third of the movie focuses around the life of pathetic Sam Witwicky and his adventures in adolescence as he vies for the affection of the biggest slut in his high school. Clearly this is the way Michael Bay and the writers view the Transformers demographic - pimple-popping awkward beta-males who can't land the hottest chicks without the help of robot friends from space. Bay is simply wrong about Transformers fans - we don't all have pimples.
The Autobots, clearly moved by Sam's hopeless love life, apparently decide to send Bumblebee ahead of the pack to help young Sam score with the high school hooker (or if she wasn't the hooker, she was wearing a hooker's uniform), played by Megan Fox. Forget about the looming Decepticon threat, a human boy needs help fornicating! If plucky suburbanite comedies about nosey parents and teen sexual frustration are your thing, look no further than Transformers.
Instead of making the Autobots themselves proud and intimidating, Bay decided to go with dopey. These 3 story tall intergalactic robot warriors seem completely flabbergasted by earth and its inhabitants, and put more effort into making sure Sam doesn't get in trouble with his Parents than they do trying to obtain the precious "All Spark" cube befrore the Decepticons. But hey, I get it: parents can be scary when they're mad. Yes, these comedic gems are sprinkled liberally throughout the film, so get used to them. In fact, the Transformers are made to be humorous in so many scenes throughout the movie that people started to laugh at the mere site of the transformers, regardless of whether or not it was designed to be funny.
Bay made sure to include everything that makes you cringe in disgust at a movie: Break-dancing robots? Check. Stereo-typical black characters? Check, beeotch. Sexy female hackers? Check. Cheesy computer GUI's. Ooh, that's a big check. My personal favorite moment came when instead of hacking into the government database to find out where Sam lives as they had for every other bit of information they needed, the Decepticons turn to Yahoo, one of many blatant product placements that make you feel as though the 15 minutes of commercials Hollywood now puts before commercials never really ended after the opening credits.
In fact, the movie is one big Chevy commercial. I can appreciate the need to fund some of your film with product placement, and done tastefully it actually makes sense, given that some of these products we actually see on a daily basis. But I find it a bit dubious that the Autobots would all be in agreement about unanimously choosing Chevy or GMC models of vehicles, seeing as though my own group of friends can't agree on a favorite brand to save our lives.
I can hear you saying, "Well, you should have expected all that". After all, we weren't going to see Transformers because of Michael Bay, but in spite of Michael Bay. The real gold comes from Industrial Light and Magic. ILM really out did themselves here, so please don't get me wrong. This movie, with all the human scenes deleted, would make for one hell of a visual extravaganza. The only major complaint I have with ILM is the over-use of the now ubiquitous pod-racing sound. You know the one, the pulsating turbine blade sound the pod racers made as they sped past the camera in Starwars Episode I. It seems like it's becoming a standby for any type of intimidating CG character, and it's growing tiresome.
The fight scenes were about what you expected, although as many reviews aptly point out, it ends up looking more like a bunch of generic Japanese mechs doing battle with each other, not that there's anything wrong with that; but I did go to see the transformers specifically. Without any personality or character development, I really ended up caring less about which side won just as long as the movie eventually ended. Special effects and fight scenes (and pointless car chases, which trust me, Bay didn't forget to throw in) just for the heck of them do not an epic movie make.
It's not even that I'm a transformers fanboy. Sure, I grew up watching the series like so many other kids my age, but I probably couldn't name more than 10 characters if you asked me to. I can name one character for sure, though: Soundwave, arguably the most popular Transformer of them all. Ask me if he was in this version.
What made the transformers so great as a kid was that they were a combination of all the things that made young boys' hearts race: fast cars, construction vehicles, fighter jets, dinosaurs, and robots. On top of all that, the transformers truly had character. They were quirky and odd without trying to be overtly cool. Megatron, the biggest baddest Decepticon of them all, transformed into a handgun of all things that was used by his second in command Starscream, rather than the designed-to-be-wicked-cool jet he turns into in Bay's film. It were these idiosyncrasies that made the original Transformers so compelling.
It was as if Bay watched the first Transformers movie only long enough to harvest the line "One shall stand, one shall fall", and then quickly set about trying to make everything as cool as he could.. and yeah.. that kind of cool - Michael Bay cheesy-as-hell cool. Case in point, Bumblebee was one of the most beloved characters because he was a VW bug, not a Camero. Optimus Prime didn't need flames to be awesome, he was freaking Optimus Prime for crying out loud! Bay and his entire crew completely miss the point of the original transformers and fail miserably to recapture the magic.
Despite all these complaints, Transformers is smashing box-office records. This is most likely due to the droves of moviegoers who were either too young or too old to appreciate or remember the original transformers who are giving this movie a unanimous thumbs up. However, my advice to anyone who has a special place in their heart for the original Transformers series is to avoid this movie at all costs, or better yet, go see a different movie (I suggest Ratatouille) and afterwards duck into one of the Transformers screenings to catch the last 20 minutes, just to see ILM's special effects. You will thank me if you do, and if you ignore my warning and see this movie anyway, I hate to say it but, I told you so.
Oh, and if you're going for Megan Fox, I'll save you the eight bucks:
